A few weeks ago one of the guys wrote an article for the company newsletter entitled ‘God Save the Queen’ in which he outlined that since the US had proven unfit to financially manage its affairs the queen was taking back its independence and that some changes would be made. Here is a snippet:
"In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendencyto elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Like
wise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly
$10/US gallon. Get used to it."
Based on the president being here 2 days ago and having resided in the US for the past 13 years myself I propose the following – the US should invade Australia starting with Western Australia and change/implement the following:
1. Public Holidays – there are not enough public holidays in Australia and not all states have the same holiday on the same day. For example queen’s birthday is not the same day in Perth, Melbourne and Sydney. Also between Easter and October (queen’s birthday) there are no holidays which make for a long, exhausting work life.
2. Shops will be open past 5:00 PM during the week and on weekends – this is 2011
3. Buses will be required to run past 7 PM (Melbourne and Sydney are already on board) and public transportation will be expanded to go where people want to/need to go
4. Real Target stores – I should be able to go into Target and buy: some bananas, bell peppers, raw chicken, pampers for the imaginary baby, dog food for the imaginary dog, a pot to cook the chicken in, toilet paper, laundry detergent, a pair of shoes, cleaning supplies, bath towels and a DVD player.
5. Places where you can get breakfast after 10:30 am
6. There will be no fees to cash a US check – my parents sent me a check for my birthday. No matter how old I get I still get a thrill to get a little spending money from my parents however it was going to cost me a fee plus 6 weeks to cash it. So I am sending it back to the US to my friends to deposit into my US account.
7. Body shop items would not have a 45% mark up – there is no reason why a lotion that costs $18 in the US should cost $30 here. None at all!!
8. Cab drivers would actually know the suburbs – and if that is too confusing the streets will be renamed to have unique streets per suburb
9. Tourist places would accept US dollars – nowhere here accepts US currency you have to go to a converter to get it changed which I find odd because even back home in the Caribbean you can walk into a store pay in USD and even get USD change back if they have sufficient on hand
10. Real Mexican food, I will stay this again REAL MEXICAN FOOD! – I have been making my own Mexican food since I have been here and thanking God and patting myself on the back for my awesome cooking skills. My guacamole will make you weep with joy – seriously. So far as best I can tell guacamole here consists of mashed avocado with tapatio
11. Real Sushi, Real Sushi, Real Sushi – if you told me I would never see good sushi again I might not have come. Perthites would be required to undergo sushi training repeating “If it walks on land, squawks, lays eggs it cannot be called sushi”
12. No metric system – you will have real units of measurement like calories, ounces, pounds, cups, tablespoons, teaspoons. I am so frustrated with figuring out food here case in point shredded cheese – my old cheese was 1/4c per serving (in the US) here it is 30g. So in the old days if I wanted to put some cheese in my scrambled eggs I would use either an 1/8c or 1/4c and would know exactly how many calories I consumed. Now who has time to get out the scale at 6am? Plus what is a Kjoule anyway?
13. No more field hockey which is the most gimpy looking game in the world – it will be replaced with indoor ice rinks and ice hockey. We will import come Canadians to do the training
14. Every street sign will be large and have numbers – there are too many streets in Perth with no numbers in either direction so you do not know where you are AND the buildings do not always have numbers either.
15. Well I like tea and I like tea time so I think a daily 4PM tea time should be an OSHA requirement and paid for by the company with real fresh baked cookies (call them biscuits if you want) tea, sandwiches on real china (after all you currently only get a 30min lunch break)
16. One hour lunch break – all employees all companies and if you want to work through lunch and go home an hour early you can do that
17. Linked pharmacy records – I miss the utter deliciousness of being able to go to the Walgreens in the Castro to fill a prescription, the one near my house in SOMA to do the same and one in San Jose to do the same thing and all I need was my name and maybe ID because the records were linked. There is none of that here – the same pharmacy in different suburbs a few mins away have no idea who you are, do not have your record and you have to carry around the scripts in your purse. So ridiculous
18. Do away with doctors charging fees for writing prescription renewals and doctor referrals – whenever I need a refill I need to either go see the Dr and pay $80 for the visit or call the office and ask for it to be written at which point I have to pay $20 for him write a refill
19. No drugs in boxes – all the drugs here from your asprin to your antibiotics are in boxes and I do not understand why as it is currently driving me nuts. The same GSK product in the US that came in a plastic bottle here comes in a box with the pills you have to push through the foil.
20. The drugs will not be behind the counter – all the pharmacies have the drugs behind the counter so you have to ask for your aspirin then they ask you questions. I want to be able to come in browse, read labels and when I want advice then I ask them for it.
21. The city will be pet friendly – it is a sad fact that there are few pets in Perth every time I see a puppy I get excited. I moved here thinking I would get a bigger apartment, maybe with a garden and would get a puppy and that was one of the motivating factors and now I cannot have a pet because no landlord or rental agency or even complex will allow pets.
No comments:
Post a Comment